Hopeful Romantic

My 21st Birthday Night

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 19:43:36 -0400

The night started with dinner at my parents with the bf and brother. We were all drinking wine and basically pregaming for the nights activities. Afterwards my brother, bf and I went to Uptown to meet up with a few people. We started at this bar called the Trophy Room for a couple of drinks and then went to the Concrete Cowboy to have another. Next door was this bar called Kung Fu which had arcade games and was packed. I had some drink that tasted EXACTLY like fruity pebbles and played some skeeball which I rocked at. We then took a taxi back to the Trophy Room where I had a beer and my brother offered me a hundred dollars to get on the mechanical bull and yell “it’s my birthday bitches!” I immediately went up to the guy operating it, paid him five bucks to get on it and lasted about a minute on the bull (i did yell its my birthday bitches) lol. My brother was the drunkest at this point and started talking about “life stuff” and then we eventually ended up at our last stop of the night which was the Idle Rich Pub. I had two drinks, one of which was called purple jesus. My brother started crying and making this weird angry noise and we were very nicely asked to leave. One of his friends was trying to hook up with this girl and basically wanted nothing to do with my brother and pawned him off on me by saying “i think what he needs right now is you.” Bf drove my brother back home and then we went home. However, on the way to taking my brother home he said that he’d dropped his glasses out the window, so we pulled over and i get out my phone for light and end up dropping it….cracking my screen. Turns out his glasses were in the car the whole freaking time! The night was a ton of fun until my brother started crying and I dropped my phone. It’s a birthday I certainly won’t forget.

I Fucked Up

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 01:35:27 -0400

I’m ready to say that I fucked up. That I got myself into a pickle. I am to blame and I have no idea what to do. I wrote out a whole post on the situation and then realized that I’m not ready to admit the details of my fuck up to anyone else. This is probably the one time that I’ve kept something completely to myself. Sorry for the mystery, but sometimes when you know you’ve screwed up, admitting exactly what it is, is the hardest part.

This Might Be a Long One

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 02:34:45 -0400

So Jennifer tried to be my BFF and we hung out a couple times and now we just text every now and then. I haven’t talked to Steve in a couple weeks. Why, you ask? Well I’ll tell you why…

My brother has a friend and his name is Dean. My brother has known him for several years, so I’ve been around him. For about a year now I’ve thought that he was cute and had a slight thing for him. He messaged me on FB one night and we started talking and then I took him home a couple nights after hanging out at my brother’s place. Around the third time I took him home we were parked outside of his apartment building until about five in the morning just talking and getting to know each other. This happened several more times. The night before I was moving out of my parents I took Dean home. On the way back to his place he was touching and massaging my neck and his hand would move down under the back of my shirt. We parked outside and somehow my legs ended up in his lap and he was massaging and tickling me. At about five we finally started saying goodbye. He had his arm around me and we were just awkwardly staring at each other waiting for one of us to kiss the other! We didn’t kiss, but as he got out he said that we should bet on who would wake up first the next morning. I asked him what we would bet and he said a kiss. Whoever lost had to kiss the other person.

Dean ended up losing and the next night in my apartment he came over (after helping my brother and I move me in). We played this game where one of us had a piece of gum in their mouth and the other person had to get it out with their tongue. We still hadn’t actually kissed yet. Finally he did kiss me and he ended up spending the night…for the next week.

This is the first relationship I’ve had where I haven’t been stressed out. I went over my list of what I want in a guy and he definitely qualifies as worth my time. I know that when I started dating Steve I thought that he was special and actually normal. I discovered this to be false. I think that Dean really is a genuinely good person (based on his relationships with friends and his sister and mom) and I hope it works out…especially since he’s a good friend of my brothers.

Steve is friends with Dean. Dean doesn’t know about us as far as I know. When he finds out I feel like all hell might break loose.

Part Two....Finally

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:53:59 -0400

The second great piece of advice that my brother’s birth mom gave me was “when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.”

I am incredibly guilty of trying to change people, or believing that people are someone completely different from what they act like. With Steve I believed that deep down he really did like me and that he was a great person, and that we were supposed to be together. I believed this despite the fact that he showed me that he was douche.

Steve is a douche, who does not like me and who does not truly care about me. And you know what, I deserve fucking better. I deserve someone who really likes me and cares for me and not someone who second guessed their feelings for me half way through the relationship. I deserve someone who is crazy about me and likes me for who I am. I am going to find this person and be happy.

Last night I realized that there are better guys out there for me. I went to a baseball game with Jennifer (yeah, more about that later), her boyfriend (Russ) and his friend Brian. This was supposed to be a set up between Brian and me. Long story short, I had a really good time at the game and Brian turned out to be both cute and super funny. He is about four years older than I am, so I’m not sure how he feels about that, but he did add me and FB, so perhaps this could lead to something. I’m not getting my hopes up, and I’m not letting my feelings run wild, but meeting him just reassured me that there are better people out there for me than Steve.

Btw Steve is not happy with me at all that I went to this baseball game with Jennifer. He hasn’t spoken to me since this morning and I’m not expecting him to be happy with me anytime soon. I’ll probably say something to him first, but I have no idea what to say yet.

So, if someone shows you that they’re a bitch or an asshole, THEN BELIEVE THEM. Actions speak louder than words. Judge people by their actions and don’t try and change them, accept them for who they are and either keep them in your life or toss them to the curb.

Just Heard this on Lifetime

Thu, 10 May 2012 13:59:09 -0400

“Walk into a date thinking ‘I hope I like him,’ not ‘I hope he likes me.’”

This is such a good point. (from the show The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet)

Good Advice

Tue, 08 May 2012 22:07:15 -0400

I was over at my brother’s birth mom’s house yesterday and she gave me two pieces of advice that I believe are worth sharing.

Piece of advice part one: Make a list of the top ten qualities you’re looking for in a guy (in order of importance) and when you meet a guy that you’re considering dating only date him if he has at least the first five traits. Here is my list (there are 12, but hey it’s my list and I can make it how I want).

doesn’t have feelings for anyone else
trustworthy
honest
has a job/goes to school
intelligent
sarcastic
no drama
romantic
caring
responsible
protective
spontaneous

I’m sure a lot of these are on most girl’s lists, but that just means they are that important. I wish I didn’t have to put “doesn’t have feelings for anyone else” as my number one, but both guys that I’ve dated have liked someone else while dating me, and it’s fucked up. Don’t date someone when you like someone else, it’s not fair to the girl and it’s not fair to yourself. Number four is something I thought of after I made the list, I had to add it in. I wanna date a guy that is doing something. I don’t care if he’s broke and going to school, at least he’d doing something with his life and not just bumming around at home (cough Steve).

I will post the second piece of advice in my next post…

Venting

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 23:23:54 -0400

I’m ready for my feelings for Steve to go away. Soooo ready. However, at the same time I have this feeling, that goes beyond just liking him, that we are meant to be together. I’m not saying we’re meant to be together forever and that he’s the one, but I feel like we’re not supposed to be finished yet, like our relationship should continue or will continue one day (whether it’s in the near or distant future who knows). I especially felt this today at church. I feel like we’re so compatible and it’s so stupid that he lost feelings for me.

Last night Steve went to help a friend film a wedding. He was telling me how much fun he had and how he got a chance to dance. I asked him if he made any friends and he said “only temporary ones. I didn’t get any numbers or anything.” This made me scared of the wedding that he’s going to be a groomsman in in June. I’m scared that he’ll meet someone at the wedding and either hookup with them or get their number and some relationship will come out of it. Oh, and I cant forget the bachelor party fears.

These are my new fears/worries on top of worrying about Steve still liking Jennifer and how all that will turn out. I’m still determined to talk to Jennifer and finally tell Steve to move the fuck on because she doesn’t have feelings for him anymore. That’s all my venting for tonight, I don’t think it helped all that much though.

A Whole Lot of Bull Shit

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 20:00:01 -0400

Last night I came home very drunk to find a very drunk Steve on FB, and we had a very drunk conversation. He admitted to being in denial of his feelings for Jennifer and that he still likes her, but very badly wants the feelings to go away. He also pleaded for me to ask her why she has been stringing him along and to ask her if she still has feelings for him. He told me that he trusts me to tell him the truth and that he knows I wouldn’t lie to him about this. Is it bad that I’d totally be willing to lie to him if it will finally end all this bs with her? I told him I’d do my best to get the truth so that he can finally be at peace. He said that he doesn’t deserve a friend like me.

This afternoon I talked to him again sober. He said that I didn’t have to talk to her if I didn’t want to, but I assured him that I did so that he could finally move on. He also denied that his feelings for her had anything to do with losing romantic feelings for me or breaking up with me. He said that if him and I were meant to be then he would have stopped liking Jennifer. I don’t think that is necessarily true, but there’s nothing I can say to make him think otherwise. I told him that I thought I should be angrier with him, and he agreed that if he was in my position he would be pissed. He was very appreciative that I wasn’t angry though since he’s already stressed. I’m pretty sure the only reason I’m not angrier is that I still like him.

It hurt like hell to finally hear him admit that he still likes Jennifer, but I wasn’t all that surprised. I knew he did, I just chose to try and ignore it, even when we were going out I knew. I’ve had two boyfriends and both were in love with someone else while dating me. Where is the decent guy I deserve? The one who thinks I’m the greatest thing ever? I want to find him and I’m starting to get impatient. I don’t care that I’m only twenty, I want to find him sooner rather than later.

Too Many Beers

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:19:25 -0400

So last night I was over at my brother’s apartment for a little BBQ he was having. I was talking to his best friend Mason who had talked to Steve on Skype the night before. He told me that Steve was telling him that he was angry when Jennifer walked into church with her boyfriend, and that he was angry when he saw her talking to me and that he still had feelings for her.

Three beers later and I was texting Steve and he ended up coming to the BBQ. Interacting with him just reassured me that I still have feelings for him. About ten minutes before we headed out he was texting someone and I could have sworn the person’s name was “Ex Wife.” I didn’t have the best view, but whatever it said was something similar to that. I left at the same time that Steve did and we hugged goodbye. I got in my car and was just not happy. I wanted to know who he was texting and why he said those things to Mason, so I called Steve, no hesitation, because I had had three beers and didn’t give a shit. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something and if we could meet up for a sec that would be cool.

He came to my house and we went to my room and were sitting together on my couch. I asked him about being angry about seeing Jennifer with her boyfriend and he said he wasn’t angry because she had a boyfriend, just angry because she feels like she can’t talk to any other guys when she has a boyfriend. Then I asked about him being angry when he saw her talking to me. He said that he wasn’t angry at me, he was angry at her because he’s positive that she planned to talk to me to get information about him and that she doesn’t really want to be my friend. I don’t know if I completely agree that that was her plan, but only time will tell I guess. I’m willing to play her game to find out if she is only using me.

I then asked him the most important question. Do you still have feelings for Jennifer? He said that he doesn’t and he was talking to Mason about his feelings back in December, when he did actually like her. I then asked about him telling me a couple weeks ago about how he feels that a part of him will always belong to Jennifer. He said that now that he’s not talking to her he’s hoping the feeling will go away and pretty sure that it will in time.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t hoping that us sitting together on the couch wouldn’t turn into something. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t leave my knee touching his leg on purpose. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t like that he left his hand on my knee. I was very disappointed when he finally said that was really tired and had to go before he fell asleep. We had a nice conversation after I asked him those questions though and when we were saying bye he said that if I ever needed to talk he’d always be willing to listen.

I hate that I still have feelings for this guy when everyone is telling me he’s an asshole. If he came to me tomorrow and said that he wanted to try it over again, I’m almost sorry to say that I would want to. I hate that I’m still paranoid about him meeting another girl. I hate this whole situation. I wish I could go back two months ago or even to the very beginning and do it all over again. I’m almost sure that by changing a few things that I could make it last longer than it did. I hate all these fucking “what-ifs.”

I Hope Karma is Merciful

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 23:20:01 -0400

Today was a really good day. Mostly for the wrong reasons though. I went to church today and sat down with Steve. Five minutes into the service Jennifer walks in with a guy and sits in front of us. Steve’s face was not filled with anything close to happiness. Throughout the service Jennifer was touching and whispering to her guy. I kept trying to sneak a peek at Steve’s expressions, but he didn’t seem to react.

After the service ends people usually mingle, this is where I struggle. I am by no means a mingler. Today I successfully mingled though! The first woman I talked to invited me to her birthday party. With the second woman I approached we talked for a while about her upcoming wedding. I then talked to the pastor briefly and Steve even sought me out, not the other way around!

I was waiting for Steve and a couple other people to be ready to go eat and that’s when Jennifer approached me. We started talking and I asked if the guy she brought was her boyfriend, to which she said yes. She said that she’d love to hang out sometime and get to know me. I told her that’d be great and I asked for her number. We talked a little bit about Steve and I was finally able to tell her that I thought her and I got off on an awkward foot and that I’d love to be able to fix that. She completely agreed and then we said our goodbyes. Afterwards I went to go eat and while in line to order food Steve told me that he is no longer friends with Jennifer. I was completely thrown by this and asked him why. He didn’t want to talk about it then and said he’d tell me later.

Tonight I was talking to Steve on FB and he told me that last night he had gotten home from having an inspiring talk with a friend and had pulled out an old picture of him and Jennifer at a sports game. He said that they looked so happy and he couldn’t understand why she had suddenly ended their fling if it had made her so happy. He felt sad and then he felt angry. Her inappropriate behavior towards him recently (random touching) and the way she says she wants to be friends, but won’t actually act like one. He felt it was time he needed to stand up for himself and to do so he has to not be her friend anymore.

So pretty much the reason today was a good day was because Jennifer has a boyfriend, Steve wants nothing to do with Jennifer, I mingled successfully, finally cleared the air with Jennifer and had an awesome lunch with some great people. I have to decide now if I should attempt to be Jennifer’s friend. Steve seems to think she wants to be my friend so I’ll give her information on him, who knows though.

I probably shouldn’t be so happy that Jennifer has a boyfriend and Steve doesn’t want to talk to her, but I am. I’m scared karma is going to come after me for being happy about those things.

The Little Things

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 02:31:19 -0400

I bet by the end of this post I’ll regret typing it because it’s going to focus mainly on what I miss from my relationship, but I wanna type it all out as well as everything that I won’t miss.

I miss always having someone to talk to. Yeah, I have some pretty good friends, but its just different when you have a boyfriend. He really wants to talk to you and have a conversation. I find myself only texting friends when its to hang out and not actually to have a real conversation. I miss knowing what I would be doing Friday or Saturday night. I knew that on at least one of those nights I would be seeing Steve. I miss having someone that would text me and wanna hang out with me because they like me. The feeling of being liked by a guy is a great feeling. It made me feel special and wanted in a way that no one else can. I miss the hugging/kissing/cuddling/regular sex. It’s nice just to watch a movie and cuddle with someone you care about. I miss sleeping over at his house. I miss being on control. I’m not saying I wore the pants in this relationship, but I had a rite to ask him where he was and who he was with. Now I feel awkward asking him too many questions because I don’t wanna sound nosey, even though that’s totally what I am being. I miss people knowing that he is my boyfriend. He’s a cute guy who’s well liked and I felt special having someone like him as my boyfriend.

Before I met Steve I was perfectly fine being single. I ended my last relationship because I had lost all romantic feelings for my boyfriend (ironic right), so I didn’t have any feelings to get over. I felt free and like my future was completely open. After this breakup I don’t have that carefree feeling, however I look forward to the day when I can feel that way again. Eventually I will only worry about myself and not Steve (because I still do) and that will be an awesome feeling. Even during the relationship I would get anxiety when he would talk to an ex, now I still feel that anxiety, but there will come a time when I won’t (I hope).

After I told my mom about the breakup she said that she wanted me to be happy with my life without a guy in it. If a guy just happened to come into my life and add happiness to it then that would be great, but she wanted to make sure I didn’t try and define my happiness by having a boyfriend. I thought this was awesome advice, probably the best she ever gave me. I want to find happiness again and a healed heart and just keep on going with my life. I do want to find a boyfriend again, but I’m not gonna go looking for one. I’ll find another great guy soon enough that will appreciate my sarcastic wit and love of tv shows, one who will not lose feelings for me. I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE BUT I WILL FIND YOU…in time.

24

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 01:28:58 -0400

I made it! I went 24 hours without talking to Steve, actually more than 24 hours. He ended up texting me today also. Talk about a win, a small win, but still a win none the less.

I don’t have all that many crazy things to post today. I was talking to my brother earlier and I told him my theory on guys being in touch with their feelings. Every girl says that they want a guy that is in touch with their feelings. In theory this does sound fantastic. In practice I don’t think it’s all that good. I’m not saying I want a guy who is in no way in touch with their feelings, but I feel like there’s a fine line between knowing what you’re feeling and knowing your feelings so well that you over analyze them. Girls are VERY in touch with their feelings, that’s why we constantly freak out during relationships, because we over analyze everything. Girls however don’t usually act on their over-reaction, we just talk about them with our friends and freak out about them in silence and anxiety. I want a guy who knows how he feels, but not one that is so in touch with them that he over thinks every feeling and then acts on them in a ridiculous way. I think that’s part of what Steve did. He over analyzed the whole relationship so much that he doubted his feelings for me and then decided that he had none left.

Whatever, it’s not like there’s much I can do about it now. Maybe one day I’ll point it out to him just for the heck of it, but we’ll see.

Point of story: Find a guy who knows when he’s happy/sad, but doesn’t over analyze his sadness to some ridiculous degree.

Distractions, Where are You?

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:48:00 -0400

Last night Steve told me that wants alone time, not just away from me, away from the friends and technology. He’s failing miserably because he’s always on FB and twitter. He doesn’t seem very committed to this.

So, today I have not talked to him at all. If I last the rest of the night then this will be the first day that I haven’t spoken to him in about 3 months. It hasn’t been soooo hard to not talk to him today. Like I mentioned in my last post his whole attitude towards me has been a total turn off. There is that part of me that thinks if I message him he might just happen to be in a good mood and we might just have a good conversation, but another part of me says FUCK HIM. You’re not as great as I built you up to be in my mind. I may still like you and be attracted to you, but this proves that you’re far from perfect. It does make me think of angry sex though, but i won’t go there.

To distract myself I’ve had work and then I had a long dinner with a friend, but now I’m at home and I’m slowly running out of distractions. There are only so many store’s websites that I can go to because I’ve been to them a million times already. I also worry about all my free times on weekends and now that Steve doesn’t have a job he’s got loads of free time to do god knows what, all of which I’ll worry about.

In a couple Sundays there is an event going on at my church where everyone meets at 6:15 a.m. and then goes downtown to handout items at this other church that is for homeless people. The last time this happened Jennifer went, but Steve was unable to because of work. I really don’t wanna go because it’s so early, but if Steve goes then I have to go because Jennifer might go and I’d like them not to begin to bond again. The crazy inside me is still here!

Photo

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 01:50:55 -0400

I Think This New Feeling is Anger

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:16:28 -0400

Everyone knows that there are stages of grief, I think there are also stages of a breakup and I think I’m on stage three.

Stage one was Sadness. I was sad for a while after the breakup and I’m not saying I’m not sad now, but I also feel like the sadness is morphing into other feelings as well. My heart was broken and I felt completely helpless. I cried, I sobbed and heavily dwelled on this hole that existed in my chest.

Stage two was denial. Remember that blog entry where I made up a dream that allowed me to broach the subject of Steve and I working through our “problems?” That was denial. That was me convincing myself that I could change Steve’s mind and that all would be right in the world again. Didn’t work, but that’s just part of denial, you don’t exactly think rationally.

Stage three is anger. I wouldn’t say I’m super angry, but I’m starting to feel mad and annoyed with Steve, which is actually helpful because if he annoys me then I probably won’t like him very much. He’ll send me text messages and I can tell by his tone that he doesn’t really wanna talk to me (or I’m just being paranoid, idk) or I feel like he doesn’t really give a shit about me because we’ll both be on FB for hours and he won’t even bother saying anything to me. He’s the one that wanted to be friends, and friends talk to and care about each other so he needs to fix his tone.

A Presence in the Air

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 16:35:20 -0400

Today I went to church and for the first time in who knows how long I felt something. I realize that “something” is very vague. I will attempt to describe it as best as I can. The church I attend isn’t a traditional church, the music is far more modern and the atmosphere is quite casual. Today’s service started off with some pretty good music and I felt myself getting into it. Around me some people had there hands in the air and others were moving to the music. I was singing along and felt myself being very moved by what I can only guess is everyone’s faith and energy. I felt like I was surrounded by a presence, whether that presence is God or not, I’m not sure.

The sermon came next and discussed how God has a plan for us, but we can’t just sit back and wait for it to unfold. We need to be an active member in our life and go for what we want, because if we just sit back and do nothing, nothing will happen. That’s so simple, and yet I think everyone is guilty in their lives of just being lazy and waiting around for something amazing to happen just to be disappointed when nothing does. If you want something, do something about it. Pray about it, work towards it, SOMETHING. I’m certainly guilty of dwelling on the negatives in my life and after listening to the sermon today I just want to be able to work through them and move on.

My current struggle is my break-up and feelings that I’m now having to sort through and let go of. After today at church and feeling that presence in the air I feel myself wanting to put my faith in a higher power. For a while now I’ve wanted to believe in God, but my logical side won’t let me. If I can continue to have this presence in my life and ask God what I should do then maybe I can let go easier. I even found myself thinking on my drive home “what does God want me to do,” and I felt comforted because maybe he’ll help by guiding me down a path that isn’t filled with me acting like a crazy obsessed ex-girlfriend.

One Day I will be in a Mental Institution

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 21:06:00 -0400

I know that I said that I felt some progress was being made in letting go of my feelings for Steve, well after last night I second guess that.

I had been talking to Steve on FB and all of a sudden at midnight he told me that he was going to get food and that he’d be back later. Two hours after he’d signed off I was in full paranoia mode. I was sure he had to be eating with Jennifer. I mean who else would he have been willing to meet at midnight and spend money on when he’s practically broke?

Finally at three I get into bed (after texting him a couple fake “i can’t sleep” texts) and attempt to fall asleep. I had to be up in six hours and felt like shit the next morning. I was constantly waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone to see of he texted me.

Around 10:30 the next morning I texted Steve and asked if he had seen my texts from last night. He told me he hadn’t because after getting food he went to start to bed since it was finally a night where his fever was gone.

….

So I freaked out for nothing. Oops. That is if he’s telling the truth (more paranoia). I’m pretty sure that if I continue to be freakishly paranoid about Steve and his doings, and if this continues with every guy that dumps me then one day my friends that stuck with me through the years will be visiting me in a mental institution. Please make sure to bring cosmo magazine and cookies.

Paranoid and Trying to Stay Calm

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 23:54:13 -0400

I’m pretty sure Jennifer still has feelings for Steve and that if she went to Steve asking for another chance he’d give it her, even though he’s told me he wouldn’t. She is bipolar and has addiction problems, she’s also flaky and just has issues in general. But according to Steve “a piece of him will always feel like it belongs to her.” Shut the fuck up. You’re being over dramatic and why would I want to hear this? Get over her, move on, stop putting this fucking crazy person on a pedestal. I told him that obviously I had no real chance with him because he would always compare our relationship to his feelings and idea of what he might have had with her. He said that he gave me a chance and ending it had nothing to do with her. Pshh tell yourself whatever you wanna hear, it’s BS.

Although Steve told me several times the other night that it would take a HUGE change in Jennifer for him to even consider dating her, I’m still paranoid something will happen between them. I mean, she is constantly touching him at church and when Steve and her talked on the phone Sunday evening her first question was to ask if I was back with him. Dear paranoia, please go away. Of course maybe I’m not being paranoid…maybe these are valid concerns. Who wouldn’t want to see their ex with someone crazy so soon after a breakup? Maybe I’m not as crazy as I thought. Okay, maybe I won’t go that far…

So, I am finally seeing and talking to Steve less and perhaps slowly (very slowly) forgetting my feelings for him, but I am still plagued with the “what if” of him and Jennifer. That has become the latest cause of stress in my life.

I May be Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 22:33:55 -0400

Today was actually a pretty alright day. I’m too scared to say “good” because I don’t wanna jinx it. I woke up a few hours before I needed to be at work. Like every morning I got on my phone before getting out of bed, and I’ll admit that I did go to Steve’s FB page. I then showered, got ready and got on FB on my computer. I saw that he was on chat but didn’t message him and even went invisible so I would be less tempted to. I went to work and only had a mild freak out once. I started thinking (for whatever reason, probably because I’m crazy) that Steve was probably with the girl he liked before me (the girl from church, we’ll call her Jennifer because I hate that name). I tried to push the thought to the back of my mind and resist the urge to text Steve to “casually” see what’s up. I got home and once again got on FB, chat wasn’t working. I waited patiently for a couple hours to see if it would start working, but it didn’t. I caved and texted Steve around 8:00. Turns out he’s been working on a film project all day, no mention of Jennifer.

Sure, there wasn’t HUGE progress today. It’s not like I all of a sudden don’t have feelings for Steve anymore, but I feel like I’ve made some progress. For whatever reason I feel that today I’ve been able to view him as a friend more so than I’ve been able to since the breakup. There have been moments where I miss him as my boyfriend, but not as much or as painful as some other days have been. I just hope it continues to get better from. *knock on wood*

I'm My Own Worst Enemy

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 01:41:11 -0400

So I might have sent Steve a text this morning basically lying about having a dream that got me thinking about, if given a second chance what we would do different in the relationship. His response was that it isn’t something that can be fixed. Sometimes I just really really hate myself. I swear I already knew what he’d text back, so why the fuck did I text him it?? Of course what I wanted him to say was, “ohh really how do you think we could approach the relationship different? Wow, that’s a good idea, let’s do it!” Obviously that didn’t happen. So then I had to make up the details of this dream because Steve wanted to hear it, so I did.

The texting conversation also included me saying that if he had feelings for me once then why would it be impossible for him to have them again. His response was kind of weird and said something along the lines of “that’s just how it happens.” Uhh okay. That’s not the best response I’ve ever gotten, but whatever you suck anyways.

In previous entries I’ve already acknowledged that I’m taking the more difficult road by trying to be friends with an ex right away, but I think sending this text today was a whole new low. I was basically asking to be hurt again, but then again I also think that I needed to hear that this was in fact the end of our relationship. Is it fucked up that I’m still thinking about breakup sex?? Don’t judge too harshly.